So Mel and I went out to lunch today. Sometimes it's hard to talk to someone who is so happy and whose life seems to always be perfect when your own life is so completely beyond miserable. Well, I guess the best way of defining my status in life is this: I'm not happy. Neither am I unhappy. I just exist.
I wake up a robot and put on glasses, hypothetically searching for a clarity that eludes me. My programming kicks in and routine replaces life. Work, eat, imitate interaction, sleep....a repetition of monotonously mundane actions that in their very essence mean nothing. There's no Operating System for life. Simply a red flashing light and an error message that reads "Can not compute".
I'm happy for Melissa. But just once I wish I could see her miserable. That's horrible. I'm a horrible person. Also, the way that that sounds isn't completely what I meant. I meant that Mel is always so happy that it hurts to see that I can't have that same happiness. I can try all I want, but I can never find peace or joy. It sucks. Seeing Mel miserable would have some sick justice to it. As it is, I just smile at her happiness while secretly cursing the universe. I put on a mask for the world and grin while I hold back the tears and force myself not to feel. Force myself to be metal and hardware and electrical wiring.
Can not compute.