Sunday, February 1, 2009

Another apology

Seems like I'm apologizing a lot lately. So I'm sorry for how depressing those last two posts were. I was just having one of those weeks. I promise I'm really not as 'emo' as those sounded. I'm just frustrated. Anyway, sorry for the suck fest. Hope I'm not so lame in the future. Feel free to tell me if I am, though. So yeah. Till next time, party.

Looking down

So, my best friend got engaged. I’m really happy for her, but it left me with a sense of…emptiness. Everyone I know is getting married and having babies. I feel like I’m stuck. Like I’m forever in an eternal loop of wake up, work, eat, sleep, wake up, work, eat, sleep, wake up, work….you get the picture. Nothing exciting happens to me. Ever. So Melissa got engaged. Lucky her. I went over to see her and her new ring at her New Year’s party. I skipped the hug she tried to give me and grabbed her left hand. When I did, I couldn’t breathe. I felt like someone had punched me. It was my ring. Well, not literally, but it was the exact ring I’ve always dreamed about and hoped for. In that moment, the world seemed entirely unfair. Why shouldn’t I get the ring and the guy and the life that makes everyone else so happy? And then it hit me. I’ll never get that. I’ll never have the guy that dreams of nothing but marrying me or the perfect ring that glitters in the light and everyone is jealous of or even the bills and worries everyone else gets the chance to have. Because I’m stuck. It seems like everyone’s path is a straight, flat path, all leading to marriage and happiness and everything they want. Me? I’m in a hamster wheel. No path, no street signs, just me and a wheel and I keep watchin the same things pass me by time and time again. I feel like I've done everything I'm going to do in life and that now...I'm just stuck in limbo between High School graduation and real life. I'm stuck watching life pass by my hamster cage. Watching the same things fly past me again and again and again and again and again.....................

The lies hope tells

Ever since high school ended, I feel like I’ve been losing friend after friend. They moved on. I seem to be stuck. I can’t help it, I’ve always been a firm believer in everlasting friendships. I was kidding myself. No one stays friends after high school. That end-of-school-day bell rang for the final time and suddenly, all the people I called friend turned and ran. I was left in a dust of disappointment and broken fairy tales. People always said, be prepared (I just had a Lion King moment), that every friendship is doomed to end with the last tones of the school bell, but I didn’t listen. I knew, i just KNEW that my friendships would be the ones to survive forever. That I would marry my high school sweetheart, live next door to my best friend, and have play dates with all my friends’ kids and mine. Ah, the lies hope tells. In high school, I had a very tight knit group of friends. The posse. Me, Mel, Cori, Wendy, Aly, Ryan, Curtis, Cory, Dan, and Lindsay. Then I had Robert, Danny, Okin, Courtney, and various boyfriends on and off. Now I have……… extra long ellipsis. I know I have Lonny, and he’s wonderful, but he lives in West Jordan and that’s way too far to see each other often. Also, he doesn’t do well with emotions, and sometimes I need someone to listen and care when I’m sad or upset. That’s just not something he can do for me. That’s okay…I just wish I had someone. The closest relationships I have to real friends are Mel, who is my friend only when convenient, Mel’s dad Todd, who acts as my personal counselor and second daddy, and Dave and Shane, who are default friends. You know, my friend by default because I happen to be dating their good friend, but the instant Lonny and I broke up, neither of them would ever speak to me again. Not exactly anyone I can rely on to help me. But I need help.

Flash Backs

So recently I've been having flash backs. You know, like in the movies? Well, six months ago when I was living in the College Terrace apartments in Orem. Run down, inexpensive apartments that I got by on, but definitely not a place to call home. At least, until my best friend moved in to the building next to mine. It was awesome because he was just a few feet away. Our windows even faced each other, though his was much lower than mine, and since moving out for the first time can be scary, it was comforting just to know he was near. We spent our days, when we weren’t working, renting movies from the redbox across the street or walking over to WalMart for groceries and snacks…or both. Of course, those were the days I wasn’t watching him play BioShock on his Xbox. You know, I’m really not into video games much, but BioShock was like watching one long, amazingly captivating movie. Even had an awesome plot twist at the end to rival those of Fight Club or The Prestige. Anyway, the summer quickly came to an end, and so did Lonny’s job. In addition to horrible management and crappy living conditions, the rent jumped another hundred dollars come fall, so Lonny and I both grudgingly dragged ourselves out of freedom and back into the arms of captivity. In simple terms, I moved home. Haha. The summer moved out was wonderful, and coming back to my parents house felt…and feels a little like suffocating. The upside? (Which, inevitably there has to be one) No rent, food is home cooked and paid for, and I get to be close to my family. Which, the majority of the time, is an upside, but can also fall into the downside category. Speaking of my brothers, Nathan, age 13, just got out of surgery today and for anyone who cares to know, he’s doing really well and we hope for the best. Also, Josh, 17, has become one of my best friends. I just wish other people could see the boy I see when I look at him. He’s deep, he’s smart, he’s funny, and he writes amazing poetry. He’s like me. Poetic and lonely. Well, not so lonely anymore. He seems to be quite popular these days. Anyway, dealing with my parents has been harder than I wanted it to be. I tried to make sure there would never be any conflict between us, but there always seems to be something. Something more to yell at, something to be angry about. I'm thinking that has a lot to do with my attitude, but I am an adult now. I guess I just think I should be able to make my own choices. Another downside to living under their roof...their roof, their rules. I just wish I could just be better. A better daughter, a better sister, a better friend. Just better. I’m sorry. I’m sorry to let you down, whoever you are. I try.


So, I'm apologizing for putting random poetry on here without explaining that part of myself. I love poetry. I love writing it, I love reading it, I love everything about it. So if some of my posts are nothing but poetry, indulge me. Or press the pretty red 'x' in the upper right-hand corner of your screen and rid yourself of my incessant ramblings forever. Your choice.

Heaven's Hell

I live in heaven's hell.
I mourn with the pious.
My silence is my tell,
My romance is my bias.

I fight in hell's heaven.
I write your name in mud.
Seventy times seven.
My legacy in blood.

With words unleavened,
Bound secrets not to tell,
You are my Heaven,
My solitude, my Hell.

Perfection in a little bundle

Here's something to be happy about. Meet my niece. She is the cutest, more adorable creature to grace this planet with her presence. Something about that baby just makes everything right in the world. Even when I’m babysitting her and she screams for 45 minutes cause she misses her mommy, her perfect little soul just…cleanses me. When I look at her, it reminds me of all the dreams I can achieve just by knowing that I know she could anything she puts her mind to. I don’t know what it is about Skye Isabella, but somehow, she is the most soothing, perfect being I’ve ever encountered. In case you can’t tell, I love her a whole lot. She is beautiful. And she’s lucky. I’ve seen my sister become a person I never thought she’d be. The cutest mom in the world…and more caring towards everyone else. I don’t think Skye will ever know how much her introduction into this world changed things. Changed me, my sister, her husband, everyone around her. I love that baby. I love you, Skye