Sunday, March 1, 2009

A stifling moment of clarity

I just had an epiphone. Everything that is wrong with my it my fault. I made all the choices that led me here. It all started with one choice. I can trace every problem I have to one singular moment in my life. It was the day I said "I do". Not literally, like in a church with flowers and a white dress, but regardless, I had a ring around my finger and I devoted my entire being over to one person to such extent that I no longer belonged to myself. My thoughts, my life, my body, and my heart were no longer my own. I gave myself so entirely to this person that I ceased to control any part of my life. I allowed every thought and movement and desire to be dictated by the boy I so naively believed I loved. I put a trust in a love that didn't exist. Not in the way love should exist, anyway. I put everything into the moment I accepted a ring and a promise of marriage from a boy. He wasn't a man, and part of me believes he never will be; at least until he admits to what he did to me. But he was a boy, and I was a foolish girl in love with the idea of love. I took his ring and his locket and I wore them every day. And every day I should have taken them off and thrown them in the trash where they belonged. Where he belonged. But I made that choice. And that choice led to where I am now. To being stuck.

This is all my fault. And the sudden clarity of it all suffocates me.

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