Saturday, March 14, 2009

You're free to leave me, just don't decieve me

You're free to leave me...

I recently discovered the movie Moulin Rouge. I wish I had found it years ago, but I never saw it even when people told me I should. The title of this post is a line from one of the songs. He sings 'Why does my heart cry? Feelings I can't fight. You're free to leave me, just don't decieve me and please believe me when I say I love you.' If I hadn't lost my poetic flair, I would've written words just like this. My relationship with Lonny is...complicated. We talked about breaking up, but I think we stayed together out of fear and sheer hatred of loneliness. He is my best friend and the one that keeps me sane, but he hurts me a little bit each day. Sometimes I wish he would just pretend to love me. Just to humor my lonely fantasies. The other day we went on a picnic because in almost 2 years of dating, we'd never been on an actual picnic before. So we're laying on the blanket watching the clouds after eating and Lonny says he has something serious to say. He tells me that he's not sure he should say "I love you" because he's not in love with me. Now, I know we've talked about it before, about how we know we're not going to get married (trust me, I long since gave up on romantic dreams) but for him to just say it so blatantly that he just doesn't love me and never did while I'm trying to bask in the sunlight stung. I tried to play it off like it didn't have any affect on me, but it really kinda sucked. I do feel like we're more like best friends with benefits more than anything romantic, but it still hurt to hear it. And then tonight, I read this on his blog:

I decided not to break up with bri. after long talks about what i dont like about her and what she hates about me and both of us trying to change for the better, i realized that she makes me happy. I still am strong in the fact that we wont get married, but for now, while i have no interest in seeing anyone else and while marriage is the furthest thing from my mind, i dont see any harm in being with her.

So not only is he telling everyone that there's a lot of things he hates about me, but that 'there's not any harm' in being with me as long as he doesn't want to be with another girl. Not even really that he wants to be or that he loves me or that he can't see life without me, but that it couldn't hurt. It couldn't hurt his pocketbook either. I feel like I'm desperately throwing money at him as some pathetic-beyond-belief attempt to convince him that he needs me. It's sad that I hold on to all these fairy-tale delusions of love as some weak effort at keeping up hopes that I never should've allowed myself to imagine anyway! Every relationship I've had that hit a year failed and failed miserably. Why, why in the name of all that is good and holy, did I permit myself to hallucinate about things that I will never have? Why would I allow myself to dream when I know my dreams will always turn out to be nightmares?

...Just don't decieve me.

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